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Roberts Space Industries ®






September 21st 2022

B0oty Call: Dumb Luck
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Alright, listen up you jackholes. I get that in our line of swindling, thieving, and general lawbreaking, there’s a lot that can go wrong. So, believe me, I understand why pirates do these weird little things that they think will bring them good luck. On the low, if a pirate tells you luck’s never been a factor in their success, they’re either lying to you or selling you something.

But things are getting out of hand and I’m one asinine superstition away from losing my cool. It’s starting to seem like pirates across the ‘verse are competing for the crown of “stupidest superstition.” And if they are, I think I found our champion.

Some numbskull by the name of Notta Boone got his ship knocked around so bad near Orison he had to land for repairs at Port Olisar where, of course, CruSec was waiting. He got pinched and shipped off to Klescher. I’m sure you’re wondering what old Boone was up to that put him in this position. Did he get too greedy with a target? Try pulling a job way out of his league? Nope. He was trying to fly alongside a herd of stormwals.

No, you are not hallucinating. Those were words that came out of my mouth.

Somehow, Notta got it in his head that since some folk think spotting stormwals is a good omen, then it must be even luckier to fly alongside them. But Notta had a problem. Each time he tried to get close with his ship, the stormwals would dip below the cloud wall. Which, you know, makes a lot of sense. When a wild animal sees a massive ship flying towards them, their first thought isn’t “Hey, a friend.” But Notta wasn’t gonna take no for an answer, so he kept trying until the flock… are groups of stormwals flocks? Herds?… whatever a bunch of stormwals are called messed up Notta’s ship defending themselves from this creeper.

Usually, I find this kind of stupidity funny, but ever since word of Notta’s arrest spread, I’m hearing about new idiotic superstitions popping up every day. Now look, I know pirates aren’t known for being the sharpest skiffs, but now I’m losing confidence that most of you lot can even tell the blasting side of a gun from the grip.

I’m sure some of you are saying “Oh, Jester, that’s just one dumb shipjacker, that ain’t all of us.” Well, you know the saying, “it only takes one bad weld to scuttle a ship?” These morons aren’t doing the rest of us any favors is all I’m gettin’ at. This isn’t a recent thing either. I’ve been hearing stories like this for ages. Another example, tell me why I keep hearing about pirates avoiding Banu ships?

Seems some packs have gotten it into their heads that you should never rob Banu ships or else Cassa, the Patron of Luck in the Banu religion, will be upset with you. Is this really the kind of thing we’re concerning ourselves with? I’d rather be worrying about the Advo swooping in or there being a merc team waiting to drop an ambush after a breach than buying into alien religions.

I’ve been hearing some crews clapping back and saying that the whole Banu thing only applies to your first target after setting out and that everything after the first is fair game, as if that’s somehow more reasonable. You’re criminals, damn it. If you see a good target you take it.

Look, I’m not against a little pre-flight ritual or something. I’m not ashamed to admit I wore the same Leedos t-shirt for six jobs in a row. But the point is, the job still came first. What’s it going to take for us to step back and think about all the ridiculous things we’re doing in the name of a little luck? When did we start caring more about this dung than making a profit?

Another one that people keep bangin’ on about comes from Pyro where, apparently, some gangs will even change their plans based off how the solar flares emit. If it’s a single burst flare, it’s a “bad omen” and so the gang buckles down and doesn’t pull jobs. But if it’s two bursts then luck’s on your side and they all rush out at once. What if it’s three? Are you supposed to call mom?

There’s a part of me that hopes that one of the smarter packs out there probably started this rumor just so they know that when there’s a single flare all the gullible gangs won’t be roving out there and competing with them for targets.

What really boggles me is that this isn’t even limited to the smaller no-names. I’ve heard that there are packs in the NovaRiders that think you should never wear gear on the same trip you looted it, or the spirit of the previous wearer will bring you bad luck.

And just to remind you, these are supposed to be some of the most feared raiders out there.

Sad thing is, this tritus spreads so fast I wouldn’t be surprised if me just talking about some of this nonsense hasn’t convinced some of you it’s worth a try. I swear, if I hear any idiot trying the stormwal thing after this I’ll hire someone to ghost them.

Hell, maybe I’ll even do it personally and send a comm before I blow them to bits just to give them the “Inept Outlaw of the Year” award and thank them for doing a service to the reputation of pirates everywhere by dying.

We don’t need Crusader calling a crackdown on pirates because their beloved space whales are being bothered. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t want any of the ecoterrorist lunatics on our backs either.

Hopefully, the next time B0otyCall is back, some of you will have your heads on straight.

Jester out!

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