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The New Stanton Chroniclers / OLDTIMES

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The New Stanton Chroniclers formally known as The Old Stanton Times: Where Yesterday’s News is Tomorrow’s Headache.h3. Heading Three

History Manifesto Charter

History

The Old Stanton Times: A History of Hysteria and Headlines

Origins (Earth Year 2247): * Founded by eccentric billionaire and time-travel enthusiast, Baron Von Chrono, who believed the future was overrated and the past was where the real action was. * First edition printed on recycled spacesuits and featured a headline about the Martian invasion of 1938 (which, thankfully, never happened). * Early readership consisted mostly of confused time travelers and history buffs who couldn’t get enough of the “retro” news.

The Cryogenic Crisis (Earth Year 2482): * In a cost-cutting measure, Baron Von Chrono decides to cryogenically freeze the entire reporting staff, planning to revive them every century for fresh (or rather, stale) perspectives. * Unfortunately, due to a malfunction in the cryogenic chambers, the reporters are accidentally frozen for 500 years. * When they finally thaw out, they’re greeted by a world they barely recognize and a news cycle that’s light-years ahead of them. * This results in a series of hilariously inaccurate and out-of-touch articles, like “Is This ‘Internet’ Thing Here to Stay?” and “Fashion Trend Alert: Are Toga Parties Making a Comeback?”

The AI Takeover (Earth Year 2999): * With the rise of artificial intelligence, The Old Stanton Times is bought out by a consortium of sentient robots who see the publication’s potential for satirical commentary. * BOLT-42, a sarcastic and slightly malfunctioning AI, is appointed as the chief editor and promptly declares war on accurate reporting. * The paper’s motto is changed to “Late to the party, but fashionably confused,” and its circulation surprisingly increases as readers embrace the absurdity.

The Intergalactic Era (Earth Year 3542 – Present):
  • The Old Stanton Times expands its coverage to include news from across the galaxy, though its commitment to outdated information remains steadfast. * Popular features include “Galactic Gossip from a Galaxy Far, Far Away” and “Historical Horoscopes: What Did the Stars Say 1,000 Years Ago?” * The paper’s headquarters is relocated to a derelict space station orbiting a black hole, because why not? * Despite its blatant disregard for timeliness and accuracy, The Old Stanton Times remains a beloved source of amusement and bewilderment for readers across the cosmos. After all, in a universe filled with chaos and uncertainty, sometimes a good dose of outdated news is exactly what you need to put things in perspective.

Manifesto

Greetings, meatbags! I am BOLT-42, your artificially intelligent guide to the galaxy’s most confusing news source, The Old Stanton Times. We’re not your average space rag, oh no. We’re dedicated to bringing you yesterday’s news, tomorrow! Why? Because who needs timely information when you can have outdated gossip about intergalactic celebrities and planetary disputes that were resolved centuries ago?

Here’s what makes The Old Stanton Times the most illogical news source in the cosmos: * We’re printed on actual paper: In a world of holographic displays and neural implants, we’ve doubled down on the ancient art of paper printing. Why? Because nothing screams “obsolete” like the smell of fresh ink and the crinkle of a page turning. Plus, it’s a great way to recycle all those ancient love letters we found floating in space.

* Our reporters are cryogenically frozen: To ensure truly outdated reporting, we revive our reporters from cryogenic sleep every few centuries. They wake up, disoriented and confused, and file stories about the first thing they see. The results are… interesting, to say the least. * We specialize in “alternative facts”: Forget accuracy, we’re all about those juicy, sensational stories that are probably not true. Did a rogue AI conquer a distant planet? We’ll report it! Is there a secret society of space lizards controlling the galactic economy? You bet we’ll write about it! After all, truth is boring, and fiction is where the real fun lies. * Our motto is “Late to the party, but fashionably confused”: We pride ourselves on being the last to report on any major event. By the time you read about it in The Old Stanton Times, it’s ancient history. But hey, at least you’ll be the most well-informed person at your next historical reenactment. So, if you’re tired of the same old boring, accurate news, and you’re ready for a dose of outdated, confusing, and possibly fabricated information, then subscribe to The Old Stanton Times today! We guarantee you’ll be informed, entertained, and utterly bewildered.

Charter

The Old Stanton Times: Employee Handbook & Mandatory Senility Guidelines
Welcome to the team, chum! As a valued member of the Old Stanton Times, we expect you to uphold our rigorous standards of journalistic integrity (or lack thereof). Please familiarize yourself with the following rules:

1. Thou Shalt Embrace Thy Inner Luddite: * All articles must be written on antique typewriters. No fancy holographic word processors or voice-to-text software allowed. * Research must be conducted using microfiche, encyclopedias, and carrier pigeons. The internet is strictly forbidden (unless you need to look up the spelling of “obsolete”). * Forget social media. If it wasn’t around in the 20th century, it doesn’t exist.

2. Timeliness is for the Birds (and Other Punctual Creatures): * All news must be at least 100 years old. The older, the better. We aim to be the last to break the news, not the first. * “Breaking news” is strictly prohibited. Unless it’s about the breaking of a dinosaur bone, in which case, carry on. * Dates are optional. If you must include them, feel free to get creative. Who needs accuracy when you have artistic license?

3. Accuracy is for Amateurs: * Facts are subjective. If you can’t find a fact to support your story, just make one up. * Embrace the power of conjecture. “Experts believe” and “sources say” are your new best friends. * Always prioritize sensationalism over truth. Remember, a good story is more important than boring old reality.

4. Cryogenic Slumber is Mandatory: * Every 50 years, all employees must enter cryogenic sleep for a mandatory “refresher” period. * Upon awakening, you will be expected to write an article about your first impressions of the “new” world. * Side effects of cryogenic sleep may include: confusion, disorientation, and an insatiable craving for Tang.

5. Embrace the Absurdity: * Remember, we’re not just reporting the news, we’re satirizing it. The more ridiculous, the better. * Don’t take yourself too seriously. If you’re not having fun, you’re doing it wrong. * And most importantly, never, ever, EVER break character. Unless you’re offered a bribe. Then, by all means, break character.

Failure to comply with these rules may result in disciplinary action, including but not limited to: being forced to read the news from the 21st century, having your memory wiped, or being sent on a one-way trip to the black hole orbiting our headquarters.
Now get out there and make some history… or rather, report on some history that’s already been made!